22- Roach Clips

We got our Employee Identification Card’s made during the first week of school. I was excited because it was my very first badge of a “real job.” The photograph was only a headshot, so that day I intentionally wore teacher earrings and smiled huge for the camera. My teacher ID makes me feel proud, like an official professional.

By the time it was my turn to take a picture, the photographer had run out of the little clips used to attach the ID’s to your clothes. Two full weeks have passed by, and I have not had a clip for my ID card. That has been bugging me. I have not been able to proudly display my professional badge; instead it has been hiding in my pocket.

A few days ago, The Intimidator announced that there were more ID clips in a box in the main office. I’ve checked everyday since this announcement and have even asked a few people, but as of now, that box of clips does not exist. Deciding not to give up hope, I stopped by the “media center” (teacher word for “library”), to ask the “media specialist” (“librarian”) if she knew where the ID clips were.

It was in the media center that I ran into the PE teacher, better known as “Coach.” Coach is an aging hillbilly, with a blonde ponytail and sunburned cheeks. He has posters of the Grateful Dead on the walls of his office and can always be heard whistling one of the legendary band’s famous tunes.

When I told Coach about my dilemma, his eyes brightened and he told me he had “just the thing to help.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny pair of alligator toothed clips. Having lived many years in a college town, I recognized the clips immediately as a tool used to hold the hot, sticky end of a marijuana cigarette.

In other words, Coach handed me a pair of roach clips to use to attach my employee ID badge to my clothes. Even worse, the roach clips looked used. They were coated with sticky brown goop.

I’m human. I wanted to laugh and say some joke like, “Oh, Coach, what do you use those for?” But I knew that a comment like that would open the door to a world of trouble that I do not need. Instead, I mustered up an innocent face and said, “No, thank you. I think The Intimidator has some clips in her office.”

“Whatever,” Coach winked. “Let me know if you ever want to burn one.”